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My recurring fantasy, through this period, was to have been born a woman, or a gay man, or best of all, completely asexual, so that I could simply devote my life to math, like my hero Paul Erdös did.

By looking for information without context to you get results that are unhelpful at best and terrifying at worst.

I left each of those workshops with enough fresh paranoia and self-hatred to last me through another year..

It becomes about making their hurt feelings the center of the debate instead of hey, maybe people shouldn’t act this way.

[…] At one point, I actually begged a psychiatrist to prescribe drugs that would chemically castrate me (I had researched which ones), because a life of mathematical asceticism was the only future that I could imagine for myself.

While I can sympathize with the emotion – I’ve had all the same worst-case scenario nightmares when I’ve approached women I like – the cold truth is that this anxiety is self-inflicted.