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Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, all-seeing, merciless god of your universe. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a helo coming in over a Wadi near Baghdad.

Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. When my Gulf War Syndrome starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.